Journal, Pen

Closure

Lately, I’ve been struggling with self-acceptance. It all happened when I tried to get away from the crowd; the virtual world of outer beauty. Only when I stepped down from the pedestal, when the white spots from dazzling spotlights faded away, I realized how hideous I had become. The mirror of introspection scared me.

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Journal

Way Out

Why do we yearn perishables?
Shiny glass statues
Soft petals
Gossamer dreams
And naked heart.

And why do we grieve
And cry and feel pain?
Even after knowing
Their finite existence!

Is it about
Falling again and again?
Do we like to be fooled
By ourselves?
Walking in circles
Reaching nowhere?

Can you show me the way out?

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Art, Pen

Thoughts on Thoughts

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I am not a good writer. I don’t aspire to be one. I write because I need it. Like food, I have an appetite for black ink screeching my thoughts out.

Thoughts.

They appear and then woof! Some stay a bit longer. But they just pass. They come into your room silently, knock some things over, draw on the walls, help you find lost stuff under the cot and while you are busy looking at what they are doing, they are gone. Leaving you a trail. A road which finishes at nowhere. You can take it anywhere you want.

That’s where imagination joins in. Either you can make wonders, or something upsetting. Both ways, you grow. I don’t look for a perfect finish. Because there aren’t many. I don’t write about happiness a lot. Because it’s not everywhere.

In the end, there is no end. Like we eat till we die, I will keep on writing till my thoughts are alive and my fingers can bear the pain to screech them on the heart of paper.

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Art, Pen

Astute

Every morning,
I wash and clean the glass,
And fill it carefully
With some old wine.

Throughout the day,
I try to hold it still,
But As I walk and run,
I spill it here and there.

By the night,
I am left with little.
I stare at it,
Swallowing my own spit,
I pour it back into
The same old bottle,
With a little lesser wine in it.

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Art, Pen

Such and Such

“Look at that ass!”
“What the hell, man. What are you? An animal?”

“Throw it here. Nobody is looking at you.”
“Hey! Don’t do that. That’s not right.”

“Ask her out. Don’t be a wimp. Momentarily disappointment is better than lifelong regret.”
“You know her answer. You know things will turn bad after it. You’ll regret it, forever.”

These moments are so frequent in my life. I can literally feel myself sitting between these two opposite manifestations of my mind, and gazing at each of them while they make their arguments.

It’s not that bad. I can see both side of the coin and I can choose, which makes me feel good because only I’ll be responsible for my decisions, either good or bad. Sometimes I wonder if other people go through the same situations or do they just have one side of it. Maybe they don’t see both of them at the same time. Or maybe they don’t see either of them.

Some situations ask for extreme speculations. Or maybe it’s just me, obsessed with this procedure. In cases like that, I pre-imagine them with each possible decision I can take and speculate how the result affects me. I go through them, again and again till I forget the whole point of it and end up ad-libbing them.

What I have learned, over my finite and comparatively infinitesimal ‘inside-the-mind’ life, that not all the things in life have a sharp definition (or distinction) of good or bad, right or wrong. Most of them are gray zones, lots of stories with apparently no clear bottom-line and rather obscure endings. We are indirectly taught to yearn happiness, with any means necessary. I don’t find it very appealing. It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be happy. The idea is to accept truth gracefully, which usually doesn’t come in smiley faces.

Some chapters,
have great actors.

With such audacity,
and grace, they take us,
by our hands and heart.

We wish all good for them,
We wish them all the health.

But, there is a ‘but’,
which you don’t like very much.
It will stay there, till you accept it.
Till you forget all the names,
such and such.

P.S. – You must be wondering, that I totally missed/shifted the point of discussion. I usually do that a lot, unintentionally.

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