I guess, this is the time. The critical stage I was waiting for, a portal to adulthood. I always thought that the transition would be smooth. But maybe, not for me. Because I am a procrastinator.
I am in the final year of my physics masters and most probably gonna screw up my chances for a Ph.D. enrollment. I have stopped all my productive habits. I haven’t read a good book for a year or so. I am not running regularly. I can’t even wake up early these days. I have no probable reason for all these setbacks. I am not having any physical or mental issue. I haven’t had any family problems or terrible breakups. I had a normal childhood. I got good grades and I am doing what I always wanted to do.
What happened in the process which turned me into this spiritless piece of crap?
Seriously, I am tired of finding reasons. I have tried to overcome this problem almost a dozen of times. Every time I make some progress and then, after I feel like I have done a good job, I think of taking a break. This is when I get sucked back in my procrastinator mode. My mind goes into this trance of doing stupid worthless things, and I only wake up again when I have already wasted a precious amount of time. This loop seems endless.
The thing is, I know I have plans and I have potential to execute them. I have great parents and friends. The professors at the school are amazing. They are people of very high intellect and have achieved a place of respect in physics community. Some of them, whom I worked with, showed a great amount of faith in me. The fact that I am a big time screw-up, makes me more upset.
So, this is my final and biggest attempt to break out of the cage of my own mind. Some guy said,”The only thing standing in your way is You.”
Only thing I don’t want is to utter “I could’ve…” years from now when there is nothing I can do other than to face the ugly truth.